THE COURAGE TO CHOOSE
by Allan Rosenthal, MFCT
It is simply amazing what little knowledge and understanding the public has regarding birthmothers. Unfortunately, this is also true for many of the adoptive parents I work with.  There are often many assumptions made about women who “give up” their children for adoption.  Some of these assumptions are true, while many are way off base.  Woman who choose adoption when they discover they’re pregnant exhibit tremendous courage.

For many women what to do when they become pregnant is not a difficult choice. Whether planned or not the news of the pregnancy is joyous news for them and their family.  For some women however, what to do about an unplanned pregnancy and their ability to choose may become very clouded and painful.

When I see a woman who is contemplating placing her unborn child for adoption, I remind myself of several things.  First, the person sitting in front of me may still be reeling from the “shock” of discovering she’s pregnant. Often, “getting pregnant” is the last thing on the minds of many of these women.  They just can’t believe they’re really pregnant. When a woman is in this mode, it’s nearly impossible for her to make an appropriate decision on the life of her unborn child.  There‘s just not enough of that birthmother available in the present to make that kind of decision. This is tragic because many birthmothers have no support system; either family, friends or a partner, to assist them through this important time and often end up making bad choices. If there is a support system, will those individual guide and support the birthmother to decide what is best for both the unborn child and the birthmother or will these well meaning individuals be more concerned about their own agendas and struggle with the birthmother to persuade her do what they want.

At this point it’s common for birthmothers to experience a tremendous amount of guilt. This guilt may have to do with many factors including a religious upbringing, personal belief or the guilt of considering abortion. Even if the birthmother’s choice is adoption, the guilt may be overwhelming.

Further compounding the problem of choosing, many of these birthmothers have little experience dealing with stress in their lives. They may have come from broken, abusive or alcoholic homes.  They may have never graduated from high school. They may have been out on their own from a very early age learning how to “survive” rather than learning how to “live.” They may not have very much trust for adults, as adults have often been a source of pain, abuse, betrayal and abandonment.

In this light, the reality of being pregnant and not being able to be a mother, is often viewed by the birthmother as just one more “failure” in their life.  Imagine what it must feel like then, to go into some strange office, not knowing anyone there, confused, frightened, and thinking about “giving up” your unborn child for adoption! What could possibly be more terrifying than this?  If making the decision to adopt doesn’t take courage, then I don’t know what does!

I tell the birthmother several times, that I have no vested interest in any particular choice she may make concerning her unborn child. I let her know that if she chooses to terminate her pregnancy, I will support that decision.  If she chooses to keep her baby, then that is the choice that is supported, and, if she chooses adoption, I fully support that decision. The bottom line is making a choice that the birthmother will be at peace with. My goal is to help the birthmother arrive at a decision that is right for her.

I am reminded of my own birthmother. You see, I too, am adopted.  Closed adoptions were the rule when I was adopted.  My adopted parents knew nothing of my birthparents and I grew up having no interest in finding them. I still fell grateful that I have the parents I do. My adoption was no mistake... it was truly a miracle.

I was reunited with my birthmother about ten years ago.  Unbeknownst to me, she had been searching for me for approximately six years. Upon meeting her and listening to her story, I was reminded again, of what courage it had taken for her to put her child, “me”, up for adoption. What a blessing she has given to everyone involved with my adoption.  She provided a gift to my adoptive parents who were unable to have their own children.  She was able to find a stable loving family who could raise me in a way she felt she couldn’t and, she was able to create a second chance for herself. I’ve worked with hundreds of birthmothers and none of them ever forgets a child placed for adoption or their birthday… not for as long as they live.

In my practice, I counsel pregnant women on a regular basis. I can tell you all of the stages, emotionally and physiologically, that a woman goes through during pregnancy. I have participated in many births.  But, I will never, ever know what it’s like to carry a child inside of me for nine months go through the birthing process and then give my child up for adoption. Only a birthmother knows what this experience is like. Imagine what a woman carries within her for her entire life when she chooses to have her child placed for adoption!

The courage to choose is indeed something we should all remind ourselves of whenever dealing with any pregnant woman, especially a woman considering adoption. I consider it a blessing, as well as a joy, to have the opportunity to work in the field of open adoption.  To all the birthmothers that I have and will work with, thank you for teaching me what courage truly is. I am forever indebted to you.